Sakinah Abdul Aziz

With everything that has been going on globally as of late, there has been an overwhelming amount of information shared across various platforms, from all directions. It has been a rather overwhelming week, also because I just resumed working after close to 2 months of being furloughed. I see the goodness in the conversations that I'm having with some people. I just decide to lay low for abit and manage my consumption on social media not only because there was sensory overload, but also because reading too many headlines, short summaries and notes in bite-sized pieces while can be helpful, hinders the deep processing of our thoughts, slowly reflecting, thinking and formulating our opinions. I'm still pretty much an ol skool person who sees value in journaling (though digital), and the way words can immortalise moments, sentiments, thoughts and feelings. It definitely allows me to explore ideas, thoughts and sentiments slowly, but in greater depth. It definitely is a form of res...

What triggered me to write this entry was a conversation I had with a friend who has been on her journey to disconnect digitally. During my catch-up with her, she shared that she recently cancelled her subscription to Netflix, to which I responded, "How did you have the courage to cancel Netflix?" with a shocked emoticon. Now, this reaction calls for a reflection and a deeper analysis into why my reaction was as such. It also reflects the centrality of Netflix (and its other variations before the advent of Netflix, such as online streaming channels, cable TV, the classic television etc.) in our lives. It makes me wonder if some of us watch some shows purely out of interest towards the show, or due to other reasons. I'm not going to deny the entertainment and leisure factor it brings, as it does serve as a perk-me-up when I watch a comedy or watch something really intriguing. This entry also does not position itself to convey that watching Netflix should be avoided at all ...

This is difficult to write, but it's definitely an important one amidst all the conversations we've been having lately. Growing up being brown/Malay wasn't easy, especially when it became ingrained in me that having a darker skin tone by default, is less desired than fairer skin tones. In childhood, I couldn't recall having to endure comments about my skin colour. Thankfully amongst children, these values ascribed to lightness and darkness didn't yet come to the fore. This consciousness became more obvious since secondary school. And it was tough and painful.  I've been in a sports CCA since secondary school and I couldn't really avoid not becoming tanned. What hurts the most was even my peers at that time would make comments about my skin colour without even realising the damage caused from these words. These comments I recall, were sometimes made under the guise of humour. I was called 'budak hitam' (literally means 'black child') and even ...

A close friend posed a question over WhatsApp, "What are your core values?". I can't remember a time when friends ask each other such a deep and fundamental question. I tend to think more intentionally about my values when I'm prompted to do so such as in work training settings, seminars etc. This question set me to immediately pen down some notes on Microsoft Word, a great opportunity to write a reflection piece where I can reevaluate and reassess my values intentionally. I decide to publish this today as a reminder to myself. What a great time now during the holy month of Ramadan to pen these down. Here are my answers to this question.  My core values:   1) Authenticity – Being true to myself entails aligning my actions with my worldviews, beliefs and thoughts, saying what I mean and meaning what I say, as well as recognising and respecting my boundaries. This relates to the values of integrity and vulnerability as well. I aspire to remain authentic in my interact...

I've had far too many unpublished drafts on this blog about my experiences living in London. Perhaps when I've managed to muster the energy to properly structure and finish those writings, you would be able to see them in my earlier posts. Most of them would include my observations from sociological lenses - how living in inner city London affects my expressions of identity and my sense of belonging in this new world. From time to time, I struggle with not having the social capital and routine I was so used to having back in Singapore. This easily includes close friends I get to meet occasionally and the interest groups and communities I can fall back on. A few of my close friends would know this struggle I face. I suppose to a large extent, I have gotten used to living a very much quiet life in London. It is not exactly always the same like the life I had in Birmingham because now I have my husband by my side. Having a job here in London and sharing my struggles with a colleag...

Since I moved to London last summer, I've been living in an area in Hackney called Stamford Hill. If one starts to look it up, one may encounter documentary series on the Hasidic Jewish community in London. I live not just alongside them, but at the very heart of their community. This means that I see numerous synagogues, Jewish-owned shops selling groceries, kosher meat and yummy pastries, I hear beautiful hymns and chants on some evenings of the week, I hear upbeat music during their weddings and other festivities, and of course I encounter the very people that make up the community everyday. When I get lucky, I manage to catch glimpses of beautiful stacks of books and libraries inside their homes when the front doors happened to be open. I see children running around freely, because it is the community's responsibility to watch over them, even if they are not theirs. This is the benefit of living in a tight-knit community. Recently while under lockdown during the Easter week...

My experience returning home temporarily made my experiences in Birmingham felt like it was a distant memory - like it was a dream that was quickly fading away. Singapore has its ways of reeling me back into its fast-paced dominant lifestyle I've come to know. Nonetheless, Singapore will always be home and I was happy to return to familiarity despite my criticism over some aspects of it. Its terribly poor work-life balance, its pace which has inadvertently defined the norms of "success" and "productivity" and hence causing me to be very impatient and discontented when I experience the UK system and its flaws (read: inefficiency), the vicious cycle of work and subsequent hyper consumerism to appease ourselves, as well as the restriction of expression of dissent and alternative voices in public and political spheres. While Singapore was familiar, it was not entirely familiar anymore after I've been given a fresh pair of lenses to see what could have added mo...

Time flies and it's already 1st July. Just 2 more weeks before I'm packing my bags again to embark on big milestones. It has been rather challenging to articulate certain things and to feel understood. When I left for Birmingham last September, what people saw is how amazing that journey would be. Yes of course there are those amazing elements, I can't deny how my 8 months away have shifted my perspectives in so many ways and how much I have learnt. Sometimes people don't see the struggles, risks and costs that come with that decision. Leaving my job, being away from home, starting anew and self-funding comes with many sacrifices. Similarly, choosing a relationship that is unconventional and the other aspects that come along with that isn't easy either. Moving, settling and living in a new city isn't easy. I can understand why people desire and romanticize these images. But at the same time there's so much flaw in that outlook because we tend to see just the...

I finally understood what it was which truly bothered me through this passage of time where I was feeling bits of dissatisfaction from being in some social groups. It has to happen when I was abroad and living a much quieter and simpler life in order to realise the type of conversations which tend to dominate some group text conversations from friends back at home. It then became more obvious when I return to Singapore, and having to be in a few social gatherings to observe with a fresher pair of eyes, the types of conversations which hold those social gatherings and social bonding. It is worrying how we have allowed certain lifestyle come to dominate our lives and how we have normalised it. The dominant lifestyle I'm referring to is one that is driven by capitalist forces in feeding into this so-called rosy version of what life is supposed to be, which entails the modern notions of 'productivity' as well as hyper-consumerism and hedonism to appease us and compensate for ...

I had one of the most interesting but harrowing conversations today with one of the interviewees for my research. She is one of those people known for her bluntness and tends to say things in the most candid and unfiltered manners. During our exchanges, it sounded like she had a lot of frustrations and needed to ventilate about many things. For some reason, the conversation became something about death. She was trying to make a point that death is inevitable and can happen at anytime. So she told me that, death can even happen after I left her place. While I can understand where she was coming from, I really shudder at the thought. I walked out and made prayers. I returned home and told myself that if I die that same day, that woman must really have an impeccable intuition and superpowers i.e. premonition. May God have mercy on us all.