Time flies and it's already 1st July. Just 2 more weeks before I'm packing my bags again to embark on big milestones. It has been rather challenging to articulate certain things and to feel understood. When I left for Birmingham last September, what people saw is how amazing that journey would be. Yes of course there are those amazing elements, I can't deny how my 8 months away have shifted my perspectives in so many ways and how much I have learnt. Sometimes people don't see the struggles, risks and costs that come with that decision. Leaving my job, being away from home, starting anew and self-funding comes with many sacrifices. Similarly, choosing a relationship that is unconventional and the other aspects that come along with that isn't easy either. Moving, settling and living in a new city isn't easy. I can understand why people desire and romanticize these images. But at the same time there's so much flaw in that outlook because we tend to see just the highlights without recognising the processes and work one has to put in order to get there. I suppose my disappointment comes with how I am not seen enough for these processes I have to take but instead just for the "end goal" of the journey I'm about to embark. And because of that, one may think I've "got it all" and decide that I don't need to be given enough attention or care (though I'm aware my perception may be biased). But disappointment teaches me to learn to be thankful with what I have and to see what's most important in these processes. I'm thankful for the care and support given and meaningful meetings thus far in this short period of time I'm back. InshaAllah hope it will be a journey that is worth sailing for all its ups and downs and opportunities for growth.
This is difficult to write, but it's definitely an important one amidst all the conversations we've been having lately. Growing up being brown/Malay wasn't easy, especially when it became ingrained in me that having a darker skin tone by default, is less desired than fairer skin tones. In childhood, I couldn't recall having to endure comments about my skin colour. Thankfully amongst children, these values ascribed to lightness and darkness didn't yet come to the fore. This consciousness became more obvious since secondary school. And it was tough and painful. I've been in a sports CCA since secondary school and I couldn't really avoid not becoming tanned. What hurts the most was even my peers at that time would make comments about my skin colour without even realising the damage caused from these words. These comments I recall, were sometimes made under the guise of humour. I was called 'budak hitam' (literally means 'black child') and even ...
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