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Reclaiming my voice

It has been more than 2 years since I published anything on this blog. I have written a few reflections quite abit during this time, but they are mostly in draft versions, probably reflective of the scatteredness of my thought processes, or the ongoing engagement with the topic which has yet found a proper resolve (or is there ever a resolve really?), or just me finding mere words to articulate my thoughts that are waiting to be entertained and possibly verbalised or written.

I'm driven to write this post precisely because I can't entirely ignore the nagging voice inside my head, telling me to use writing as a tool to not only express myself, but to reclaim my voice. It is such an insanely noisy world. The constant stream of information from different online platforms not only pull me from various directions, but it spreads my attention too thin that it is impossible to follow one stream of thought, sit on it for awhile, slowly reflect and if possible, articulate it. It is not just a noisy online world. As I find myself participating in different interest groups, circles and communities at the wake of the pandemic, whilst I'm so blessed to have crossed paths with inspiring people for whom I have a great affinity, particularly those having interesting perspectives from whom I can learn, it too can get noisy. In-person spaces can also be hijacked by stronger personalities, opinionated and loud voices. This isn't to unfairly spotlight on individuals per se, but rather on the loud, dominating and also fast-paced nature of discourse. This can be incredibly challenging to draw quieter voices, or rather, nuanced voices which require more time to develop.

Another area I am personally learning to develop is also establishing boundaries. I don't think I take up space very well in some relationships and it comes pretty naturally for me to hold space for others, empathise and build on what they're sharing, by asking more questions or add onto whatever they've shared. Basically I then just play the role of a soundboard for a long time. The downside of this is that sometimes I feel the co-productive nature of discourse can be lost when the spotlight is mostly focused on the voices that take up most space. And as a result, I feel like my voice is drowned and lost, because I am constantly responding to the voices of others (on top of that, the competing voices we read about, watch, listen to on online platforms), without producing thoughts of my own, and hearing my own voice. I am learning to proactively shift conversations and learn to take up space in this way. I don't think I'm particularly always good at it, but definitely an area of development.

And so this is how I got to this point. I spoke to a couple of close friends whom I hold very dearly to, who have consistently held space for me where I feel safe enough to share these concerns. I also come to realise that turning to this blogging space is the most obvious means to reclaim my voice, to safely share my thoughts, develop opinions and restart the habit of writing. I've always had an affinity with writing ever since I was a child. I love the slow-paced nature of it, almost telling my thoughts to slow down, get a grip and focus. As I'm writing this, I am already feeling grounded and it feels healing. Not to be swayed by the noise, not to be dragged in different directions, but to stay still with my thoughts. 

So, bismillah. I shall not confine this process as a super structured one where I have to write at regular intervals, but rather as an invitation to myself to use this space whenever I feel I'm losing that voice once again.

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