Yesterday reminded me of an incident which happened when I was 7, remembering the Primary 1 version of me who was trying to fit into her new environment. I remembered requesting my two Chinese female classmates, "Can you speak english?". They responded with peals of laughter and giggles, like laughing at an inside joke I wasn't a part of. I remembered even questioning them what was so funny about it. When I thought about this incident, it just reiterates how we are all social beings, and that this desire for belonging and wanting to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, could be felt even at a young age.
People often think that fitting in is easy for me. I can understand why people perceive me in this way - I think I'm generally easy when it comes to breaking the ice with any stranger, initiating small talks and even holding deeper conversations steering to the interests of the other person. My openness, warmth and friendliness make it easy, and I have received comments from friends who say that they enjoy talking to me. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think fitting in comes easy for me. While I may seem really open to different experiences and speaking to people who are markedly different from me and while I'm glad to be able to hold space to engage people, I wouldn't necessarily call that fitting in.
Perhaps revisiting this notion of fitting in is a response to the novel, different environment I'm in. In the first couple of months here, I remembered going for various events and societies, such as BEMA (Black and Ethnic Minority Association), International Students society, Singapore society, Malaysian society, Islamic society, crafts society, and many random events which would cater to my interests. I could confidently say that I see a part of me in most of the things I went for and in every interaction I made, but I never truly feel like I fit in to any. Meeting the Singaporeans makes me feel home just speaking the Singaporean English/Singlish I know, but I still don't feel I could identify myself with them for some reasons. For Malaysian society events, it feels great to berbual melayu, but the bond is just superficial. Sometimes I felt that there is some sort of age/experiential gap as well when trying to connect to others. Even when I recently went for an event which discusses the very things I'm passionate about relating to the Muslim identity and Muslim issues, I still felt left out during the group discussions because I'm the other Muslim, I'm not a British Muslim of a South Asian background (whereas everyone else was). When I attended BEMA, the platform was dominated by black people who needed to express themselves, which I could understand because of the historical and structural racism and discrimination against them, and this was their space. I once went for a discussion by Ahlulbayt Society because I was attracted to the discussion topic on 'Social Justice'. I just felt like it ended being like a religious sermon instead of a critical discussion, and not much of the discussion really hits the heart of the matter at all.
The social gatherings I went for also made me realise the power of shared culture, language and ethnicity which binds people together so well. I have been in situations where people speak their Mother Tongue in my presence which I find rather disconcerting. I see how some of my Arab friends generally gelled very well, almost immediately, which made the group quite impenetrable to others. I could be seen as a snob saying all these things, but don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against these societies, groups and the individuals, and I enjoyed my time going for different events while I was finding a place in this new environment in the earlier stages of settling in here. I do get that these platforms are necessary and they are meant to cater to different groups of people. But it just made me wonder, where does someone like me fit in then? Everywhere I go in campus, there is the tendency for people from the same nationality/ethnic group sticking together in groups. I see my Indonesian friends having her group of Indonesian friends to fall back on; having study groups and holiday trips. It makes me wonder if everyone else has it easier because it is easy to fall back on to groups based on their identity markers like ethnicity and culture, and speaking in the same language. I feel like I'm constantly an outsider here.
I'm aware of this negativity bias here, but I'm also well aware that it has always been my position that it is very challenging to truly fit in. These experiences only further reiterated my position. I mentioned earlier that I don't feel that fitting in comes easy for me, even in situations familiar to me back in Singapore. Yet I feel like I could belong in many different places - as fluid as my multi-layered and multi-hyphenated identity - while at the same time, not really feeling that I could completely fit in. But maybe that is the reason why I couldn't fully fit in. I am aware of the fluidity of my identity, the complexity of my personhood, and my varied interests and my worldview and outlook which I wouldn't deem as final or definite, recognising that they could also shift the more I learn and experience the world. It is based on the premise that we as individuals are constantly growing and evolving, as long as our core remains intact. It would seem like people like me look like a loner, or are not quite "ahead" in my social life (I bumped into 3 Malaysian girls one of the days and they asked me if I was alone, which I find a rather odd question to ask). But I also feel that these could be the very same factors which stunt our growth as individual persons. We run the risk of compromising our individualism and exercising our fullest autonomy and agency when we try to fit ourselves into the crowd or align ourselves with the thoughts and actions of the majority. It is a compromise on our joy when we fit into the wants or the activities a particular group of friends would like to do.
I wonder if perhaps we are not made to fit in too well in this world, albeit the importance of community and having a sense of belonging to something larger than ourselves. Community serves different aspects of ourselves - emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, for our different interests/hobbies, or even just for pure leisure. I am for striking a good balance, which means that there would be times that we need to choose ourselves. Not feeling like we could completely fit in perhaps should serve as this innate reminder for us to remain true to ourselves, in preserving our personhood and our authenticity. I still believe in the idea of belonging to an entity that is larger than ourselves, but it would take time, as are for all wonderful things. Even when those are hard to come by, at least I have me, and my strong core of self.
People often think that fitting in is easy for me. I can understand why people perceive me in this way - I think I'm generally easy when it comes to breaking the ice with any stranger, initiating small talks and even holding deeper conversations steering to the interests of the other person. My openness, warmth and friendliness make it easy, and I have received comments from friends who say that they enjoy talking to me. If I'm being honest with myself, I don't think fitting in comes easy for me. While I may seem really open to different experiences and speaking to people who are markedly different from me and while I'm glad to be able to hold space to engage people, I wouldn't necessarily call that fitting in.
Perhaps revisiting this notion of fitting in is a response to the novel, different environment I'm in. In the first couple of months here, I remembered going for various events and societies, such as BEMA (Black and Ethnic Minority Association), International Students society, Singapore society, Malaysian society, Islamic society, crafts society, and many random events which would cater to my interests. I could confidently say that I see a part of me in most of the things I went for and in every interaction I made, but I never truly feel like I fit in to any. Meeting the Singaporeans makes me feel home just speaking the Singaporean English/Singlish I know, but I still don't feel I could identify myself with them for some reasons. For Malaysian society events, it feels great to berbual melayu, but the bond is just superficial. Sometimes I felt that there is some sort of age/experiential gap as well when trying to connect to others. Even when I recently went for an event which discusses the very things I'm passionate about relating to the Muslim identity and Muslim issues, I still felt left out during the group discussions because I'm the other Muslim, I'm not a British Muslim of a South Asian background (whereas everyone else was). When I attended BEMA, the platform was dominated by black people who needed to express themselves, which I could understand because of the historical and structural racism and discrimination against them, and this was their space. I once went for a discussion by Ahlulbayt Society because I was attracted to the discussion topic on 'Social Justice'. I just felt like it ended being like a religious sermon instead of a critical discussion, and not much of the discussion really hits the heart of the matter at all.
The social gatherings I went for also made me realise the power of shared culture, language and ethnicity which binds people together so well. I have been in situations where people speak their Mother Tongue in my presence which I find rather disconcerting. I see how some of my Arab friends generally gelled very well, almost immediately, which made the group quite impenetrable to others. I could be seen as a snob saying all these things, but don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against these societies, groups and the individuals, and I enjoyed my time going for different events while I was finding a place in this new environment in the earlier stages of settling in here. I do get that these platforms are necessary and they are meant to cater to different groups of people. But it just made me wonder, where does someone like me fit in then? Everywhere I go in campus, there is the tendency for people from the same nationality/ethnic group sticking together in groups. I see my Indonesian friends having her group of Indonesian friends to fall back on; having study groups and holiday trips. It makes me wonder if everyone else has it easier because it is easy to fall back on to groups based on their identity markers like ethnicity and culture, and speaking in the same language. I feel like I'm constantly an outsider here.
I'm aware of this negativity bias here, but I'm also well aware that it has always been my position that it is very challenging to truly fit in. These experiences only further reiterated my position. I mentioned earlier that I don't feel that fitting in comes easy for me, even in situations familiar to me back in Singapore. Yet I feel like I could belong in many different places - as fluid as my multi-layered and multi-hyphenated identity - while at the same time, not really feeling that I could completely fit in. But maybe that is the reason why I couldn't fully fit in. I am aware of the fluidity of my identity, the complexity of my personhood, and my varied interests and my worldview and outlook which I wouldn't deem as final or definite, recognising that they could also shift the more I learn and experience the world. It is based on the premise that we as individuals are constantly growing and evolving, as long as our core remains intact. It would seem like people like me look like a loner, or are not quite "ahead" in my social life (I bumped into 3 Malaysian girls one of the days and they asked me if I was alone, which I find a rather odd question to ask). But I also feel that these could be the very same factors which stunt our growth as individual persons. We run the risk of compromising our individualism and exercising our fullest autonomy and agency when we try to fit ourselves into the crowd or align ourselves with the thoughts and actions of the majority. It is a compromise on our joy when we fit into the wants or the activities a particular group of friends would like to do.
I wonder if perhaps we are not made to fit in too well in this world, albeit the importance of community and having a sense of belonging to something larger than ourselves. Community serves different aspects of ourselves - emotionally, psychologically or spiritually, for our different interests/hobbies, or even just for pure leisure. I am for striking a good balance, which means that there would be times that we need to choose ourselves. Not feeling like we could completely fit in perhaps should serve as this innate reminder for us to remain true to ourselves, in preserving our personhood and our authenticity. I still believe in the idea of belonging to an entity that is larger than ourselves, but it would take time, as are for all wonderful things. Even when those are hard to come by, at least I have me, and my strong core of self.
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