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Goodbye routine

Probably since I was younger, I developed this goodbye routine where I would establish an eye contact, or a smile, or an enthusiastic wave, while seeing someone off. The moment I got down from a vehicle, and leaving the company of a friend or a special someone, I would search for their eyes and do my goodbye routine. And I see them off.

It was funny how I suddenly thought about this. It dawned on me how this goodbye routine has faded away as the years passed by. I am doing it much and much lesser now. The last time I met someone I've been wanting to see, and that moment when I alighted, I couldn't do it. I thought it was due to the fear of goodbye, and that I'm terrible in bidding goodbye.

It was not that I was terrible in saying goodbye. I was not afraid of saying goodbye because I don't believe in the finality of a goodbye, especially when today's 'goodbye's seem to be more within the context of physical separation. When it comes to connection, in today's age, the bounds have been stretched. Is there really a real goodbye?

I couldn't do it because I did not want to be in that vulnerable position. To be standing and not being able to establish that eye contact. To not be reciprocated with a smile or a wave as much as I wanted to. To be confronted with a possible reality that the person may not do the same and not feel the same about you, and looking foolish while standing awkwardly. It was not because I expected the same from the other party. It was the fear of being seen. It was the fear of showing every single bit of emotion that is written on my face. That I will miss you, and I yearn to see you again. That I feel so much more for you, than you probably ever know. So I told myself, don't look back, just walk on.

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