Sakinah Abdul Aziz

I could have switched it on. But something in me resisted, as if camouflaging in darkness was the most intuitive thing to do at that moment. To remain obscure, to remain still, to embrace darkness as an innate element within us all. There's something comforting and alluring about darkness. You let light not penetrate the space, you momentarily handicap your vision. Your other senses start to come alive. You are able to seek light within, you become the illuminated, you become light. Your existence is no longer defined by external standards. You cease to exist, but your core remains. You allow yourself to be seen solely by its essence. And these utterings, they stop diffusing into the surroundings, instead the darkness becomes the vessel that teleports your prayers beyond. I rolled out the mat, I stood. Allahu Akbar. Where no one sees you, you only allow yourself to be seen by the Divine.

"I’m always inclined to believe that the best way of knowing [the divine] is to love a great deal. Love that friend, that person, that thing, whatever you like, you’ll be on the right path to knowing more thoroughly, afterwards; that’s what I say to myself. But you must love with a high, serious intimate sympathy, with a will, with intelligence, and you must always seek to know more thoroughly, better, and more." Vincent van Gogh

I don't know what's harder, to not feel anything at all or to be able to feel with great depth about something which only remains a possibility. I still struggle with possibilities, many years on. It's this scar that refuses to go away no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Perhaps it's how I function as a person. Perhaps some people are able to shrug possibilities away easier than I ever can, as long as they see that the possibility of these possibilities turning into reality is low. But it's hard to construct feelings that way. Once I feel, I feel. And this is where I would experience a great deal of internal conflict. Are these feelings real or imagined? Have I always conflated the actuality of these feelings together with how I actually want to feel about it? Have I unwittingly intensify and glorify feelings more than it really is originally? That's the scary thing about possibilities. It is open ended, leaving to us how we want it to be written. And I wrote