Like a traveller

Every Ramadhan has its own set of challenges. I must admit that prior to the start of this holy month, my greatest concern was hunger and thirst. Halfway through the month, I was thinking, who was I kidding? Well to be fair to myself, that concern stemmed from the fact that this would be my very first time observing fast while working. I was worried about how I could keep up with the same energy level I've always had, seeing cases after cases and addressing their risks and needs. I was worried about having to drag myself to do home visits or to the Court or to prison. Mostly, I was afraid how I could muster the energy to deal with challenging people; those that require more hand-holding, close supervision, and having to sometimes resort to my own version of "stern warning" which I must admit, takes the most of my energy.

Praises to the One who is most worthy of praise, hunger and thirst were usually made the easiest challenges of all. Nonetheless, one is still challenged at the most basic level of needs but they come along with them valuable lessons. The sound of hunger pangs in midday and the dryness of one's chapped lips remind us of those living in poverty, where food is scarce and having to survive in harsh climates. And through experiences of doing ops work, realizing how people who are closer to home do face difficulties which we often do not see. With deprivation, comes the lesson of experiencing sincere gratitude with what we have been blessed with and with what have always been taken for granted.

The biggest challenge for me would be how much patience I was able to exercise. The most difficult of tasks and cases somehow started to show up during this month where deadlines were tight, where I have mothers calling me over the weekends to lament that they could not exert anymore control on their children, where I have to deal with boundary-testing behaviours and noncompliance, where I have cases who might cause harm to themselves anytime and where I find myself yet again witnessing another family feud. This was the month where I detested paperwork and having to clear my backlog, where I detested having a million tasks hovering above my head undone and becoming increasingly task-oriented. And in the midst of it all, it was so easy to lose sight of why I chose to work here in the first place.

It did not help that I was spending my lunch time which was so often used to catch up with colleagues and share with each other the quirks and difficulties of our cases, to either do work or to catch up on my sleep. I was struggling hard to achieve a balance - to catch up on work, to provide the best of rehabilitation for my cases, to do 'me' things, to fulfill my spiritual needs and to give myself enough rest. And in the pursuit of striking that balance, I found myself slipping into isolation.

The feeling of being isolated especially after a hard trying day, and for long periods may be an unpleasant experience. But only in isolation I was brought away from the whole external chaos to be confronted with the inner thoughts. There seemed to be this strong association between quietude and deep contemplation. Thus, the other biggest challenge I was confronted with this Ramadhan was to reconcile the most difficult of existential questions - What is the purpose in life? What am I here for? Surely, life is not just about the relentless pursuit of education, career, success, marriage, children and wealth right? I spent 24 years of my life journeying from one milestone to another. So what now? Is life just about constant transitions from one phase to another? So what if I am moving or am not moving towards that? Life has to be more than just that. And if we are meant to strive for goodness; to help others, to be kind, to show respect towards family, friends and humanity at large, then it does not just end there, right? - I was convinced that there must be a grand purpose in life and I was scrambling to find answers to these tough questions.

I found peace through constant self-reminders of a way of looking at life, and that through the eyes of a traveller. It may be that a million and one things are beyond our comprehension, but this calls for the need to humble oneself and that we do not know what we do not know. Like a traveller, travelling into the depths of the unknown. Like a traveller, knowing where one is headed, but needing to pave one's own paths towards that destination. Like a traveller, passing through different places and knowing that good or bad experiences, they too shall pass. Like a traveller, who gets better and better with each passing day in making every moment meaningful. Like a traveller, who meets people from various walks of life and learning and gaining something invaluable from each and everyone one of them. Like a traveller, where it does not matter where one settles at, as long as one feels settled within.

In a place where life is transient, I am only a traveller. 

Through trials and tribulations, through successes and failures, through gains and losses, through joy and sorrow, through every encounter with a person and through every moment, good or bad.