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Goodbye routine

Do you have lingering thoughts in your heads whenever you bid farewell to someone? A loved one, a family member, a dear friend, a recently made acquaintance, and a stranger whom you barely know? At least I know I do have them.

There are some farewells when we would go our separate ways, and there would be thoughts like, "Should I turn back?" and "Will the person turn back, too? To share that one last goodbye for the day?". There are some farewells where I would board the bus first, or leave the train first and I would wonder, "Should I search for that person amidst the crowd?" and "Will the person scan her or his eyes to meet mine, too?". There are some farewells when I would enter the lift and I would wonder, "Will the person stay, to have our eyes interlocked and to be smiling at each other, till I go out of the person's sight?" And there are instances when I would doubt, "Oh, the person probably wouldn't turn back, or glance back at me, so, go, go, go, just go and continue walking." But I still do these things, anyway.

Of course, there are times I would be the paisey one, because I would be hopelessly scanning for the person or I would be syiok sendiri, waving so enthusiastically to no one in particular. And then cheesy scenes from those typical movies would be conjured in my mind, depicting the lack of timeliness in the glances. Nonetheless, I absolutely like the thrill of stealing these last few moments to squeeze in more goodbyes and wanting to give that one final good farewell.

What I am certain is that I do not have these thoughts whenever I say goodbye to my dear grandmother. I went to visit my grandparents yesterday and as usual, my grandma would do her goodbye routine. The moment I stepped foot on the ground floor, I would instantly glance up because I know that she would be there. Craning her neck and looking out for me. And I would smile back and wave. And then I'd continue walking across the badminton court, feeling her eyes watching my back as I was headed towards the road. I would continue walking. There would be this little voice, don't be silly, no way would she still be there, because it's been awhile since I've walked, but my stubborn head would look back, because I know, so very well, that she would still be there. From afar, the tiny figure of my grandma and seeing her arms waving at me. We do this routine each time, and I would have about 4 rounds of stopping to turn back, and to give enthusiastic waves.

It breaks my heart each time because in this game, we know very well that she wins. Because I'm the one who has to disappear out of her sight. Because she could stay wherever she was, watching me walk away. I would like to be the one who do that.

Thank you, grandma, for always looking out for me. May God bless you and your kind soul.
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